Two Wolves

Cry and Smile

Freedom of Fear

I admit it, I have had a particular terrifying fear for about 16 years now.  I have let the fear of this particular rejection rule my life and my decisions in so many ways.  Now in most recent weeks, I have had to face that fear.  All the maneuvers to avoid and run from that fear have caught up with me regardless of whatever actions that I took. 

Avoiding fear, in my case, has created so much turmoil and entanglement.  I regret the fact that I have not dealt with it sooner.  It would not have been easy to deal with it EVER!  Ignoring it did not make anything productive of the situation.  The outcome was inevitable.  My attempt to take control and guide this fear to a healthy place only backfired in my face.  

Now the healing begins.  This has changed me.  It has changed my relationships.  I have become comfortably numb.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I have certain people put in my charge that need my full attention.  As long as I feel that people hold hostility and hate toward me I cannot move forward in that relationship.  I have boundaries that I didn't know I had.  Even in the distance of my heart the love is still there. 

I have been trying to salvage relationships that I have destroyed.  That's what you do, right?  The problem is, I have been trying to rebuild from the scrap and ashes of what that destruction left behind.  This time--NO! Time heals.  Love and healing make the hate and hostility fade.  I only desire love.  I desire to rebuild fresh and new.  I don't know what that looks like because I am not there yet.  I am free, but I'm just learning how to fly.

 

Introduction

This is our awesome granddaughter.
Must I say more?
She is absolutely incredible.
 We thank God every moment for her existence, she is a true gift.

 

I apologize for the delayed update. 

 Life has taken a crazy/happy turn or 12 the last few months. 

 I received a very nice card from my grandmother today that sums up the year for me.

 

" One of the good things

about getting older

is that we eventually learn

What is important

and brightens our lives

and what is of little concern --

But no matter the wishes

and dreams in our hearts,

no matter the paths that we take,

The dear ones we cherish

add joy to our days

with the wonderful differnce

they make." 

Moving Forward

We must progress forward lest we digress.

This past few years has been a whirlwind of emotion to say the least.  Standing in prayer as our oldest child has been through a journey far beyond her years.  The past is in the past and we look toward the future.  With the future brings a new love into her life and a budding friendship for our family. 

From this new relationship we welcome a new baby to the family.

Darren and I are going to be grandparents. 



9 weeks



The news is just beginning to seem like reality.  We are excited about what the future will bring for our family. This hip, hop granny is now looking for a modern (young) grandma name for my grandchildren to call me.  I became a momma at 26 and I look to be a grandma at 36.  So my mom is "Nanna" and Darren's mom is "Grammy" and our grandmothers are "Grandma".  Kallie calls me Marmie so I don't think that can be my Granny name, Ruled out "Nina" (too close to Tina and means Aunt). Considering "Mimi" "Omi" or to just let the baby call me what it will (but its hard to wait that long and call myself what, "Grandma"?!--not)

No Thank You

I hate feeling obligated to do something that makes me uncomfortable.  I want to do what feels right and not what someone guilts me into doing.  Hence, I am learning to say "No, Thank You" and learning that following my passions makes me happy and I am finding where I *FIT* in the ultimate scheme of things.

Am I just stubborn and spoiled?--may.be.  More than that I am on a quest for peace and joy.  Know where you stand and what your principles are.  When the storm comes you refer back to your core instead of being wrapped up in the confusion and distractions.  Now, practicing what I preach--that is the challenge.

Have I mentioned that I am blessed with a fantastic supportive partner?  He just hangs on for the (wild) ride.  He completes me.

Reflection

I know that it has been a while since I have posted.  I am taking a moment to purge a little before I continue with the tasks set before me today.

I am fully wrapped in a season of change.  I am in a serious detox in my life.  I have lost track of me.  I have become very distracted by life around me that the things that I know are truly my responsiblilty have suffered.  The parts of my life that I am committed to have been put on the back burner due to things that are not priority or truly important.  I have become so "busy" in my denial.  I have become so obessed with negative things and have forgotten who I am, really. 

I am trying to stay focused now.  Let go of the things that I can't change and their negative affect on me.  Address the things that I need to take charge of and stop the denial.  I have been to proud to admit defeat, to let go of things that I think I can handle. 

I am burrowing hard to get to the core.  It is a slow and painful process.  Picking and chipping away at the unnecessary.  Watching as the usless debris falls away, grasping after it as though there might be something to salvage when it's is of no true value to me.  Inside my head, I'm screaming "Let it go", but it is deep rooted and there are serious emotional attachments. 

Just as I think I see things clearly and think that the rebuilding can begin, I find more to be purged.  The rebuilding is my goal and my motivation.  Clearing out all the junk seems redundant but with out this cleansing process the building process is not as strong as it should be.

Exhausted

That's my guy!  I tease him about being "that uncle" that is always falling asleep in the chair.  I caught him in this candid moment with Ali James, the newest member of our family. 

This was them catching a quick nap between jobs.  He provides more than just comic relief for our family.  A full time job, a part time job, and then the time away to work on this months performance with the ReAct group.  His day starts at 5 a.m. and ends . . . ? 

I have talked him into a mini vacation (it really didn't take much talking).  We will enjoy a busy week of performances and friends and then the kiddo's are headed to the grandparents' for a few days. 

To summarize, These two make great pals!

The Other Man In My Life

He is a lot like his Dad. Gentle and Goofy.  Kind and Ka-Razy.

Sensitive and Savvy.  Caring and Charming.  Respectful and Responsible.

I love his smile.  I love his laugh.

I love the little eccentric qualities that are unique to him alone.

I love my tater baby boy

Doing What Comes Natural

This is my oldest daughter.  This is her natural stance.

Her phone is her baby.  She gives it a lot of attention.

This used to drive me I-N-S-A-N-E.

I meditate on this:

I respect her as the unique and competent individual that she is.

Our children do not always make the choices we would like them to. 

What is most important is our relationship.

Find peace in love.

Reality Check

Reality is like a giant slap in the face some days, and it hurts.

What happened to the 3 year old that never sat still?  She was simply a blur of activity.

Something wonderful about her is that she embraces all life has to offer with such passion.  She absorbs every detail about the world she loves. 

She is my teacher.  I am her student.

The Butterfly Effect

It is through the silent and private struggle of the caterpillar that he can escape the comfort and security of the cocoon and emerge into life again. 

It is through this same silent and private struggle that the beautiful butterfly gains the strength to be able to soar once free from that same comfort and security.

We can learn a lot from nature.  I encourage you to meditate on this process.  You may find yourself in a phase comparative to the cycle of the butterfly.  The caterpillar spends the first cycle of its life absorbing life around it and creates a safe secure shelter for itself.  If the catapillar stays in the cocoon it has created for itself it means imminent death.

I watch as so many of us are in a cocoon phase of our lives.  Some are building strength through the struggle and will soon soar.  Others remain safe and secure and have experienced a type of death due to the lack of nurishment and the ability to breathe. 

Embrace the struggle my friends and gain the strength to soar.  Each of us is created as a unique individual and our wings will not pattern the same as anyone elses.  The butterfly IS inside but you may not see it yet.  Have faith and confidence in your inner beauty and fight to emerge!

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

Principles or Rules?

We have been doing some extensive reading on unschooling recently.  We have been applying some of the principles of unschooling life.  It is overwhelming, however, I found a quote joyfullyrejoycing.com that began this process for us, "Don't drop all your parenting rules at once. Just say "Yes!" more."

Our entire family is going through an amazing transformation.  I copied a quote from Organic Sister on Facebook the other day "You can't fill a glass with water and have it spill orange juice. Likewise you can't fill a child's life with unconditional love and generosity and have them become "spoiled, self-centered or needy".

It's really all about slowing down.  Re-evaluating EVERYTHING.  I create the stress in my life by over complicating things.  I am learning to enjoy my children and through this process we are understanding each other and growing in our relationships by leaps and bounds.  I am still the parent, protective and watchful, but I am have a different motivation.  The way we have done things in the past has rewarded us with children leading a parent directed life that they could not wait to be free of (like jail).  I want something different for my children then what I have created for them so far, a controlling, inconsistent, stressed out persuit of a unrealistic life.  It is so true, they do not do what you say, the do what they see you do.

We are throwing out the rules.  We are trying instead to instill valuable principles.

A principle internally motivates you to do the things that seem good and right. People develop principles by living with people with principles and seeing the real benefits of such a life.


A rule externally compels you, through force, threat or punishment, to do the things someone else has deemed good or right. People follow or break rules.

I had always looked at the two as being the same thing.  The two are different in definition and in application.  Re-evaluating this type of thinking is making HUGE changes in our home, in our relationships, and reaches down into the very core of my being and is changing me.  I am more relaxed and I am truly enjoying my life experiences.  It is not perfect, but I find myself more at peace with myself and with the world around me.  I am discovering what truly matters and that I can confidently set personal boundaries without guilt. 

Try this experiment:  The next time your child asks if they can eat dessert first, say yes!  AND JOIN THEM.  The next time they ask you to play Barbies or Legos, you guessed it, say  Yes!  But the real key is to put out of your mind whatever you were doing or whatever needs to be done and enjoy that time with your child.  There is nothing more important than that moment. 

Thanks for following me in my journey, I think I am on baby step 126,155,332 and I have a lifetime left to go.  Remember to LIVE--Simply.  Generously.  Unpretentiously.

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

Meanwhile in the land of the Clonts familiy . . . . . .

Simplify. 

This used to be my driving force.  What I needed to strive for in order to keep me focused and on the 'sane train'.  But I guess that was too simple, oh how I love to complicate things.  When I say complicate--I mean disect it, dig deeper, find the origin and the motivation.  Yes, I usually end up just making things more difficult than they need to be but my motivation is for understanding, not just to cause trouble.  That being said, my current motto is . . .

LIVE -- Simply, Generously, Unpretentiously

First of all LIVE!!! Enjoy life, live it up!  Don't be afraid to make mistakes, you only truly fail if you never try at all.  Do something everyday that is totally outside your box.  I am not suggesting that you commit a crime but I am suggesting that you LIGHTEN UP and RELAX and ENJOY your exhistence rather than simply tolerate each breath that you take.  Here are a few suggestions you are welcome to use:

• When life gets too stressful, I am at my witts end (hormones, grumpy children, ect) I like to take what we call a Joy Break. 1. Gather all present family members in one room  2. Turn up some music as loud as your ears can possibly tolerate it  3. DANCE (I make a total fool of myself headbanging and then waltzing with any other objecting family members who refuse to loosen up).  When the song is over you will have experienced an incredible release and the whole family will have a change in attitude. 
• Purposly give up control of something and let someone else do it their way.  AND THEN ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE for both of you. Stop. Evaluate. Enjoy.  This coming from a recovering Nazi-mom with the need to control everything. 
• Make time for yourself.  I see this as quality verses quantity.  If you invest a little time for yourself you will greatly improve your attitude and motivation  in addressing others.

Simplify.  Un-Complicate your life.  For some people this means scheduling your life to create order.  For others it means trashing your schedule.  For me it means limiting my investment in things that are not important, stressful, or have a negative effect on me and my family.  I also like to find simple ways to accomplish things.  Things that are rich and vital to exhistence but are so easily overlooked in the life of chaos that we can find ourselves in. 

Generousity.  Give.  Give of yourself, your time, your resources.  Give yourself to your spouse.  Give to your children.  Be generous in your love for your family, your community.  That means something different for everyone.  Community may mean your church, your city, or your friends.  If you live with an attitude of generousity you find opportunities all around you to be generous.  It may be to help your child tie their shoe; a generous smile to a clerk in the grocery store that is having one of 'those' days; cookies for a neighbor who is in a bad mood.  You will be amazed at how your relationships will change if you simply give.  No amount of money can compare to the investment of an attentive friend.

Unpretentious.  I am not a good faker.  I want to be genuine even if that means that I have to be diplomatic and set some serious boundaries for myself.  I strive to be respectful of each person and their unique individualism.  But to fake it--that breaks the simplify rule by complicating things.  Don't misunderstand, I DO speak fluent sarcasim, I love to cut up and have fun.  I do think in order to have a genuine relationship you will have some bumps in the road.  However, to pretend that we can reach some kind of perfection is simply unrealistic.  I am imperfect, you are imperfect and we can agree to disagree sometimes--respectfully, of course.  You say tomato . . .

Your comments are welcome

Monday, August 30, 2010

In My Arms

I sat in church last night with my baby asleep in my arms.  I had walked out of the house with only colorbooks and not crayons for our visit to the evening service at church.  Zach was happily drawing with pens and pencils, but this was just too much to ask Bennette.  She was a bit tired and not very tolerant of my forgetfulness.  So she climbed on my lap and put her head on my shoulder and nodded off into the land of sleep.  This is not as easy as it used to be.  She is a very healthy 5 now, but she is still the baby.


She lay there asleep in my arms and as our Pastor spoke, I began to weep.  I couldn't control the flashbacks that I felt.  They were just too overwhelming.  Thinking of my two youngest in my arms is sentimental, they are young enough that they still almost fit.  I love the way that I hold them and they hold me back until that moment when they fall asleep and then it's all on you, just you and the very large limp noodle of a child in your arms. 


Flashback to a time when my two oldest children were actually small enough to sit on my lap.  Kallie would climb up and "waller" you until she got comfortable.  At three, she was the size of a six year old but still just a baby and needed her cuddles and snuggles.  I am bawling like a baby just to think of her now, almost 6 foot tall, independent and beautiful, she still needs her momma moments but it should be me crawling into her lap now.

I can remember MiKayla's apprehension to bond with us in that way in the beginning.  You could better connect with her in through play.  Any ball would work, but games were good too.  I can remember inviting her into my arms and eventually receiving a hug back.  The first time I remember her literally jumping into my arms is when I met Darren at the E.R. because MiKay had busted her head open at a school function.  I carried her into the hospital, Darren kept saying "Let me carry her", I refused because this was the first time I remember her clutching on to me for comfort.  After that day it became easier and easier for us to bond in that way.

As I shared my flashback moments with Darren on the way home, we talked about how we look at our children.  They want us to see them for the "big kids" that they are, and we do.  But we also see that little child, that every experience makes us fall in love with them more and more.  When I look into my children's eyes they are the same eyes that used to look up to me to care for them and provide for them.  Darren says it's like that commercial where the Dad is giving instructions to his daughter as she gets behind the wheel of the car to drive off.  He is instructing a teenager, but he sees her as his precious little five year old.

How blessed we are to experience our children and some day our grandchildren.  Thank you for the overwhelming support we have always received from our family and friends to help us raise our children.  Some of you are there for my children when they choose not to let me be, and for that I am grateful that they have formed those relationships with you. 

We face this week with great expectations.  From this momma's heart to yours, have a great day!  Remember to stop and appreciate the things around you.

 

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

An interesting discussion with my 13 year old daughter this morning.  How does Mom recognize that I am stressed before daughter recognizes her own stress?  Oh, Boy It was a whopper of a conversation and I was sobbing like a baby by the end of it.  It falls back to those comments your children make like "How did Mom know?" "Mom must have eyes in the back of her head" and so on.  The following was part of my explaination:

Parents begin studying their children the moment that the meet them, or before.  In our case, we have two adopted daughters who we received a  case file on before we met them.  Also, we have two birth children who's sonograms we studied and experimented with what voices and music they responded to while they were still in the womb.

A child is a mother's passion. I have always studied my children whether it was to memorize their fingers and toes or to watch them interact with their peers to see them developing into little people.  I know when that pile of laundry comes out of your room what you wore all day and what goes back into your closet because you tried it on and then threw it in the floor.  All Mom's know EXACTLY what I am coming from.  We know our kids and I keep telling my daughters that they will not fully understand until they have children of their own. 

I love my husband, he is my partner, we are a team.  But your love for your children is different and you have to let go little by little and let them explore life and make their own mistakes and stand beside them when the consequences come and not fix it for them any more.  Mom's memorize their children, we have been there and done that and would love to tell you how to keep yourself from making the same mistakes we did.  Sometimes only life experience will teach those lessons.

Pain also comes with great love and passion.  If you choose not to have children because you are afraid of the pain in childbirth, you are missing out.  When we love our children but there are times in our life that our love for them may bring us great pain.  The pain that we feel is temporary and the great joy that we experience overshadows any pain that we might have felt.  It is painful for a child to choose their friends over you when you know that you are a better sword fighter or barbie designer than that five year old friend could ever be! (insert belly laugh here) 

Once seperate from that umbilical cord the seperation continues little by little.  But that is all part of the growing process.  It doesn't mean that you stop loving or adoring your children, it only means that your relationship changes.  And it changes all too quickly for us momma's and not soon enough for our children. 

I am the most imperfect parent that I know.  I will never forget the first time my children smiled at me or called me momma.  How I wish I could return to a more simple time when I could just kiss their hurt and it would disappear.  But if I did that I would not grow to eventually experience the joy of seeing them with their children for the first time and enjoying the way that they memorize their children's toes. 

My children-MiKayla, Kallie, Zachary and Bennette-how I adore you and hope that you know how much I love you all.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

For MiKayla.

We all enjoyed hearing your voice. 

These pictures are for you.

We Love You,

Dad, Mom, Kallie,

Zach and Bennette

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A wise man once said "Never Assume. 

It only makes an Ass of you and me".

Today I reflect on decesions made.  Please do not assume that I am upset with you if you are embarrassed that you didn't call when you thought you should have called.  Please do not assume that if my opinion is different than yours that I am ashamed of you.  Please do not assume that there is EVER anything that you could do that would push me away from you.  You are precious to me and by assuming anything otherwise you are mistaken.  You have nothing to prove to anyone.  You are and have always been the gift given to us by God himself.  No one can take that away.

Today I pray for all who are estranged from loved ones for any reason.  Walk in Faith or be led by fear.  God is in control and when we all truly submit to that we will be comforted.  I am not there yet!