Two Wolves

Cry and Smile

Freedom of Fear

I admit it, I have had a particular terrifying fear for about 16 years now.  I have let the fear of this particular rejection rule my life and my decisions in so many ways.  Now in most recent weeks, I have had to face that fear.  All the maneuvers to avoid and run from that fear have caught up with me regardless of whatever actions that I took. 

Avoiding fear, in my case, has created so much turmoil and entanglement.  I regret the fact that I have not dealt with it sooner.  It would not have been easy to deal with it EVER!  Ignoring it did not make anything productive of the situation.  The outcome was inevitable.  My attempt to take control and guide this fear to a healthy place only backfired in my face.  

Now the healing begins.  This has changed me.  It has changed my relationships.  I have become comfortably numb.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I have certain people put in my charge that need my full attention.  As long as I feel that people hold hostility and hate toward me I cannot move forward in that relationship.  I have boundaries that I didn't know I had.  Even in the distance of my heart the love is still there. 

I have been trying to salvage relationships that I have destroyed.  That's what you do, right?  The problem is, I have been trying to rebuild from the scrap and ashes of what that destruction left behind.  This time--NO! Time heals.  Love and healing make the hate and hostility fade.  I only desire love.  I desire to rebuild fresh and new.  I don't know what that looks like because I am not there yet.  I am free, but I'm just learning how to fly.

 

Moving Forward

We must progress forward lest we digress.

This past few years has been a whirlwind of emotion to say the least.  Standing in prayer as our oldest child has been through a journey far beyond her years.  The past is in the past and we look toward the future.  With the future brings a new love into her life and a budding friendship for our family. 

From this new relationship we welcome a new baby to the family.

Darren and I are going to be grandparents. 



9 weeks



The news is just beginning to seem like reality.  We are excited about what the future will bring for our family. This hip, hop granny is now looking for a modern (young) grandma name for my grandchildren to call me.  I became a momma at 26 and I look to be a grandma at 36.  So my mom is "Nanna" and Darren's mom is "Grammy" and our grandmothers are "Grandma".  Kallie calls me Marmie so I don't think that can be my Granny name, Ruled out "Nina" (too close to Tina and means Aunt). Considering "Mimi" "Omi" or to just let the baby call me what it will (but its hard to wait that long and call myself what, "Grandma"?!--not)

No Thank You

I hate feeling obligated to do something that makes me uncomfortable.  I want to do what feels right and not what someone guilts me into doing.  Hence, I am learning to say "No, Thank You" and learning that following my passions makes me happy and I am finding where I *FIT* in the ultimate scheme of things.

Am I just stubborn and spoiled?--may.be.  More than that I am on a quest for peace and joy.  Know where you stand and what your principles are.  When the storm comes you refer back to your core instead of being wrapped up in the confusion and distractions.  Now, practicing what I preach--that is the challenge.

Have I mentioned that I am blessed with a fantastic supportive partner?  He just hangs on for the (wild) ride.  He completes me.

Holistic Living. Natural Learning

What do Holistic Living and Natural Learning mean to you?

Our family has always been about finding natural alternatives to conventional ideas.  Sometimes out of desire, other times out of desperation.  Regardless of the motivation, finding an alternative method is just our way.  Just when I think I have it half way figured out--WRONG!  It is a continuous learning process. 

The choices we make are not for everybody.  Some things feel unreachable for us at this point but we hope to get there as soon as possible.  Living life on a smaller scale, be a contributer not just a consumer, finding happiness in the miracles every day all around us, being creative with our resources, respect for all people and ideas.  Live and Learn. 

I will be blogging more about some of our alternative choices in the near future--stay tuned!

Reflection

I know that it has been a while since I have posted.  I am taking a moment to purge a little before I continue with the tasks set before me today.

I am fully wrapped in a season of change.  I am in a serious detox in my life.  I have lost track of me.  I have become very distracted by life around me that the things that I know are truly my responsiblilty have suffered.  The parts of my life that I am committed to have been put on the back burner due to things that are not priority or truly important.  I have become so "busy" in my denial.  I have become so obessed with negative things and have forgotten who I am, really. 

I am trying to stay focused now.  Let go of the things that I can't change and their negative affect on me.  Address the things that I need to take charge of and stop the denial.  I have been to proud to admit defeat, to let go of things that I think I can handle. 

I am burrowing hard to get to the core.  It is a slow and painful process.  Picking and chipping away at the unnecessary.  Watching as the usless debris falls away, grasping after it as though there might be something to salvage when it's is of no true value to me.  Inside my head, I'm screaming "Let it go", but it is deep rooted and there are serious emotional attachments. 

Just as I think I see things clearly and think that the rebuilding can begin, I find more to be purged.  The rebuilding is my goal and my motivation.  Clearing out all the junk seems redundant but with out this cleansing process the building process is not as strong as it should be.

A New Addition

MiKayla and Kallie have a new nephew!!!

Conner Wayne

7lbs. 6 oz.

18 1/2 "

Black Hair and Blue Eyes

The report I have is that Momma and Baby are fine
and Grandma Lisa is exhausted and very excited.

We love you all!

Congratulations to the Darker and Crisp Families!!!

The Other Man In My Life

He is a lot like his Dad. Gentle and Goofy.  Kind and Ka-Razy.

Sensitive and Savvy.  Caring and Charming.  Respectful and Responsible.

I love his smile.  I love his laugh.

I love the little eccentric qualities that are unique to him alone.

I love my tater baby boy

Darling Diva Moment

Just had to share this Darling Diva Moment.

My mom had this costume at her house and Little Miss decided to 'strike a pose'. 

(A bonus pose below)

Doing What Comes Natural

This is my oldest daughter.  This is her natural stance.

Her phone is her baby.  She gives it a lot of attention.

This used to drive me I-N-S-A-N-E.

I meditate on this:

I respect her as the unique and competent individual that she is.

Our children do not always make the choices we would like them to. 

What is most important is our relationship.

Find peace in love.

Bedtime Routine

A familiar scene at our house.

Snuggle time.

This particular night the book selection is

A Case of Stripes.

Reality Check

Reality is like a giant slap in the face some days, and it hurts.

What happened to the 3 year old that never sat still?  She was simply a blur of activity.

Something wonderful about her is that she embraces all life has to offer with such passion.  She absorbs every detail about the world she loves. 

She is my teacher.  I am her student.

The Butterfly Effect

It is through the silent and private struggle of the caterpillar that he can escape the comfort and security of the cocoon and emerge into life again. 

It is through this same silent and private struggle that the beautiful butterfly gains the strength to be able to soar once free from that same comfort and security.

We can learn a lot from nature.  I encourage you to meditate on this process.  You may find yourself in a phase comparative to the cycle of the butterfly.  The caterpillar spends the first cycle of its life absorbing life around it and creates a safe secure shelter for itself.  If the catapillar stays in the cocoon it has created for itself it means imminent death.

I watch as so many of us are in a cocoon phase of our lives.  Some are building strength through the struggle and will soon soar.  Others remain safe and secure and have experienced a type of death due to the lack of nurishment and the ability to breathe. 

Embrace the struggle my friends and gain the strength to soar.  Each of us is created as a unique individual and our wings will not pattern the same as anyone elses.  The butterfly IS inside but you may not see it yet.  Have faith and confidence in your inner beauty and fight to emerge!

Children's Home in the News

CLICK HERE TO GO THE PONCA CITY NEWS ARTICLE

As I was sitting with my daughter at the hospital this morning the nurse came in astonished about the news that the Children's Home would be closing.  We hinted at how it affected us and he said that the article had made the front page news.  So I have included a link to this mornings article which will give you the facts as of now if you are interested. 

MiKay is feeling better and we hope that she will be released in the morning.  Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.  We know that control over all is not in our hands, but in God's.  This of course applies to all of our circumstances yesterday, today & tomorrow.

tinaclonts@yahoo.com

In "Whom" Do We Trust???

Who among you would offer his son a stone if he asked for bread? . . . How much more will your heavenly father give to you?

I eluded to some of you that changes for the Clonts family are on the horizon.  So now it is official.  CH-CH-CH-Changes.

So the 80+ years of caring for children at the American Legion Children's Home in Ponca City, Oklahoma is coming to a close.  For us that means looking for a new home for our family and a new job for Darren.  Anyone who knows us well, knows that this is quite a blow for our little family.

Here's a story of a girl (me) who loves, loves, LOVES her exhisting circumstances.  Family, friends, home, work. . . and now has to face the reality of completely uprooting--ouch!  I am not alone and that saddens me that there are SO many families in our community that are facing the reality, not to mention all of the children who will now have to find new placements.

For many years now, we have had to learn to trust God in our circumstances, not a new or easy thing for us.  However, we are getting better at handling it as we face these types of things.  There have been many times that we felt God leading us in a particular direction and we could not see how we could possible obtain that on our own.  I can remember Darren and I sitting at the dinner table and literally saying "Ok, God (insert "tee hee" here), if that is what you want, we are willing.  But, we have no way of making it happen, this one is on you!" and (how do you spell wha-la) unimaginable doors opened and we were happy to (how do you spell ski-daddle?) move on through.

I can remember many times when great joy has filled our hearts thinking NO. WAY. and just riding that giant wave and finding ourselves in a place better than what we could have ever expected for ourselves.  (i.e. living with my parents for 6 months trying to get on our feet, again, with our 3 kids and finding out that we were pregnant with Bennette 'insert enourmous grin here'-- one of the best things that EVER happened to us--who plans that?)  How many stories do you want I have a long list, that is a fun one. 

 What are you going to do?  What's the plan?

I have not a clue.  It is still fresh.  We are grieving but we are positive.  We are not ready, but I believe that our circumstances over the last year has been preparing us for change and in that aspect, we are ready.  We are not ruling anything out at this point--we know better. 

So tune in next time for another exciting episode/adventure . . .

Peace be with you, all of our friends and co-workers facing the same realities that we face.  We are not alone, nothing happens that God is not in control over.  Email me, we will exchange grief and positiveness!
tinaclonts@yahoo.com

Love you ALL!

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

Principles or Rules?

We have been doing some extensive reading on unschooling recently.  We have been applying some of the principles of unschooling life.  It is overwhelming, however, I found a quote joyfullyrejoycing.com that began this process for us, "Don't drop all your parenting rules at once. Just say "Yes!" more."

Our entire family is going through an amazing transformation.  I copied a quote from Organic Sister on Facebook the other day "You can't fill a glass with water and have it spill orange juice. Likewise you can't fill a child's life with unconditional love and generosity and have them become "spoiled, self-centered or needy".

It's really all about slowing down.  Re-evaluating EVERYTHING.  I create the stress in my life by over complicating things.  I am learning to enjoy my children and through this process we are understanding each other and growing in our relationships by leaps and bounds.  I am still the parent, protective and watchful, but I am have a different motivation.  The way we have done things in the past has rewarded us with children leading a parent directed life that they could not wait to be free of (like jail).  I want something different for my children then what I have created for them so far, a controlling, inconsistent, stressed out persuit of a unrealistic life.  It is so true, they do not do what you say, the do what they see you do.

We are throwing out the rules.  We are trying instead to instill valuable principles.

A principle internally motivates you to do the things that seem good and right. People develop principles by living with people with principles and seeing the real benefits of such a life.


A rule externally compels you, through force, threat or punishment, to do the things someone else has deemed good or right. People follow or break rules.

I had always looked at the two as being the same thing.  The two are different in definition and in application.  Re-evaluating this type of thinking is making HUGE changes in our home, in our relationships, and reaches down into the very core of my being and is changing me.  I am more relaxed and I am truly enjoying my life experiences.  It is not perfect, but I find myself more at peace with myself and with the world around me.  I am discovering what truly matters and that I can confidently set personal boundaries without guilt. 

Try this experiment:  The next time your child asks if they can eat dessert first, say yes!  AND JOIN THEM.  The next time they ask you to play Barbies or Legos, you guessed it, say  Yes!  But the real key is to put out of your mind whatever you were doing or whatever needs to be done and enjoy that time with your child.  There is nothing more important than that moment. 

Thanks for following me in my journey, I think I am on baby step 126,155,332 and I have a lifetime left to go.  Remember to LIVE--Simply.  Generously.  Unpretentiously.

Bracelets for Kim

Per Robin on Facebook:

We are selling silicone braclets (purple) that say FAITH LOVE CONQUER AND KIMBERLY ON BACK SIDE. to help Kim with medical expenses. It has been doing very well we had to order more. If you would like one or more let me know . $5.00 a braclet. Thanks everyone for all your support.

Contact:

Robin: robin_mike06@yahoo.com

Bob and Marcia Crandall

Please spread the word!

Thanks, Tina

Thursday, September 30th, 2010

Turning another year older has never affected me.  However, when my kids have a birthday I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster of disaster.  Tomorrow my oldest daughter will be 18.  As I set across the table from her at lunch today, I just couldn't help myself . . . (clack, clack, clack . . . her we GO!).  I know that she will understand someday when she has a child of her own, but no matter how much independence she demands of this life, she will forever be lodged in my memory as an eight year old. 
She changed my life the day we met.  She continues to change my life as time goes on.  The joy always outweighs the sorrow.  The here and now is brief.  Tomorrow is a new day but today will last in our memories forever.

It has been an honor to be your momma, MiKay.  I Love You and I Miss You more than you will ever understand.  I respect you as a unique and competent individual.  You are beautiful and you know what you want in life.  Don't fool yourself in thinking that life will be perfect or that you will always make the right decision.  You only truly fail when you never try at all.  Don't be too quick to judge or be too proud to see that all of us make mistakes.  Be motivated by love in all things.

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

Meanwhile in the land of the Clonts familiy . . . . . .

Simplify. 

This used to be my driving force.  What I needed to strive for in order to keep me focused and on the 'sane train'.  But I guess that was too simple, oh how I love to complicate things.  When I say complicate--I mean disect it, dig deeper, find the origin and the motivation.  Yes, I usually end up just making things more difficult than they need to be but my motivation is for understanding, not just to cause trouble.  That being said, my current motto is . . .

LIVE -- Simply, Generously, Unpretentiously

First of all LIVE!!! Enjoy life, live it up!  Don't be afraid to make mistakes, you only truly fail if you never try at all.  Do something everyday that is totally outside your box.  I am not suggesting that you commit a crime but I am suggesting that you LIGHTEN UP and RELAX and ENJOY your exhistence rather than simply tolerate each breath that you take.  Here are a few suggestions you are welcome to use:

• When life gets too stressful, I am at my witts end (hormones, grumpy children, ect) I like to take what we call a Joy Break. 1. Gather all present family members in one room  2. Turn up some music as loud as your ears can possibly tolerate it  3. DANCE (I make a total fool of myself headbanging and then waltzing with any other objecting family members who refuse to loosen up).  When the song is over you will have experienced an incredible release and the whole family will have a change in attitude. 
• Purposly give up control of something and let someone else do it their way.  AND THEN ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE for both of you. Stop. Evaluate. Enjoy.  This coming from a recovering Nazi-mom with the need to control everything. 
• Make time for yourself.  I see this as quality verses quantity.  If you invest a little time for yourself you will greatly improve your attitude and motivation  in addressing others.

Simplify.  Un-Complicate your life.  For some people this means scheduling your life to create order.  For others it means trashing your schedule.  For me it means limiting my investment in things that are not important, stressful, or have a negative effect on me and my family.  I also like to find simple ways to accomplish things.  Things that are rich and vital to exhistence but are so easily overlooked in the life of chaos that we can find ourselves in. 

Generousity.  Give.  Give of yourself, your time, your resources.  Give yourself to your spouse.  Give to your children.  Be generous in your love for your family, your community.  That means something different for everyone.  Community may mean your church, your city, or your friends.  If you live with an attitude of generousity you find opportunities all around you to be generous.  It may be to help your child tie their shoe; a generous smile to a clerk in the grocery store that is having one of 'those' days; cookies for a neighbor who is in a bad mood.  You will be amazed at how your relationships will change if you simply give.  No amount of money can compare to the investment of an attentive friend.

Unpretentious.  I am not a good faker.  I want to be genuine even if that means that I have to be diplomatic and set some serious boundaries for myself.  I strive to be respectful of each person and their unique individualism.  But to fake it--that breaks the simplify rule by complicating things.  Don't misunderstand, I DO speak fluent sarcasim, I love to cut up and have fun.  I do think in order to have a genuine relationship you will have some bumps in the road.  However, to pretend that we can reach some kind of perfection is simply unrealistic.  I am imperfect, you are imperfect and we can agree to disagree sometimes--respectfully, of course.  You say tomato . . .

Your comments are welcome