Two Wolves

Freedom of Fear

I admit it, I have had a particular terrifying fear for about 16 years now.  I have let the fear of this particular rejection rule my life and my decisions in so many ways.  Now in most recent weeks, I have had to face that fear.  All the maneuvers to avoid and run from that fear have caught up with me regardless of whatever actions that I took. 

Avoiding fear, in my case, has created so much turmoil and entanglement.  I regret the fact that I have not dealt with it sooner.  It would not have been easy to deal with it EVER!  Ignoring it did not make anything productive of the situation.  The outcome was inevitable.  My attempt to take control and guide this fear to a healthy place only backfired in my face.  

Now the healing begins.  This has changed me.  It has changed my relationships.  I have become comfortably numb.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I have certain people put in my charge that need my full attention.  As long as I feel that people hold hostility and hate toward me I cannot move forward in that relationship.  I have boundaries that I didn't know I had.  Even in the distance of my heart the love is still there. 

I have been trying to salvage relationships that I have destroyed.  That's what you do, right?  The problem is, I have been trying to rebuild from the scrap and ashes of what that destruction left behind.  This time--NO! Time heals.  Love and healing make the hate and hostility fade.  I only desire love.  I desire to rebuild fresh and new.  I don't know what that looks like because I am not there yet.  I am free, but I'm just learning how to fly.

 

The Five P's

I have always been one who 'over thinks' EVERYTHING!!!  This inevidibly leads to having the Joy sucked right out of the situation for me.  I have been working very hard on just letting go and have had many break throughs. 

My parents tell stories of a four year old (me) who overthinks the simplist choices.  Spend the night at grandma's or go home?  The story ends with a miserable four year old who overthought the whole thing, "what am I missing out on at home" "Will I wish I had stayed if I go, will I wish I had gone if I stayed" "what if . . ." --yeah, It has only become worse as this girl has aged. 

Did I mention that this sucks the Joy out of everything when you overevaluate and try to peel the layers back on everything.  I am getting better.  I hate making bad decisions, I would rather not suffer through the anguish of dealing with something that could have been avoided. 

"Proper Preperation Prevents Poor Performance"

So I have become a freakish overthinker.  Typically result is one of two things:  The decision is stalled for so long that the opportunity is either missed or I make a spontaneous decision that costs me big time. 

It is no secret that we all need balance in our lives.  This is one that I have to work on every minute of the day.  It's never one  thought stuck in my head it's a minimum of 242 things because one thought leads to another and another and another.  When I was younger I would look to others for their acceptance before making decisions, this was a serious crutch that was not healthy for me.  Something that I am still guilty of but not as much as I used to be.

I am on a journey of self discovery.  I want to be ME.  The me that my Creator designed different from all other beings.  I have people in my life that help me find balance but I know that my mental and spiritual health begins with the decisions that I make. 

The thing that I am meditating on today is to remember to draw close to the things that I KNOW create balance in my life instead of pushing them away.   Also, to be aware of Joy sucking worry and cling to liberty.

• The power to choose, think and act for oneself; freedom from control or restriction
• The right or priviledge of access to a particular place; freedom
• Free, unoccupied, or unresticted

Children's Home in the News

CLICK HERE TO GO THE PONCA CITY NEWS ARTICLE

As I was sitting with my daughter at the hospital this morning the nurse came in astonished about the news that the Children's Home would be closing.  We hinted at how it affected us and he said that the article had made the front page news.  So I have included a link to this mornings article which will give you the facts as of now if you are interested. 

MiKay is feeling better and we hope that she will be released in the morning.  Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.  We know that control over all is not in our hands, but in God's.  This of course applies to all of our circumstances yesterday, today & tomorrow.

tinaclonts@yahoo.com

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

Meanwhile in the land of the Clonts familiy . . . . . .

Simplify. 

This used to be my driving force.  What I needed to strive for in order to keep me focused and on the 'sane train'.  But I guess that was too simple, oh how I love to complicate things.  When I say complicate--I mean disect it, dig deeper, find the origin and the motivation.  Yes, I usually end up just making things more difficult than they need to be but my motivation is for understanding, not just to cause trouble.  That being said, my current motto is . . .

LIVE -- Simply, Generously, Unpretentiously

First of all LIVE!!! Enjoy life, live it up!  Don't be afraid to make mistakes, you only truly fail if you never try at all.  Do something everyday that is totally outside your box.  I am not suggesting that you commit a crime but I am suggesting that you LIGHTEN UP and RELAX and ENJOY your exhistence rather than simply tolerate each breath that you take.  Here are a few suggestions you are welcome to use:

• When life gets too stressful, I am at my witts end (hormones, grumpy children, ect) I like to take what we call a Joy Break. 1. Gather all present family members in one room  2. Turn up some music as loud as your ears can possibly tolerate it  3. DANCE (I make a total fool of myself headbanging and then waltzing with any other objecting family members who refuse to loosen up).  When the song is over you will have experienced an incredible release and the whole family will have a change in attitude. 
• Purposly give up control of something and let someone else do it their way.  AND THEN ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE for both of you. Stop. Evaluate. Enjoy.  This coming from a recovering Nazi-mom with the need to control everything. 
• Make time for yourself.  I see this as quality verses quantity.  If you invest a little time for yourself you will greatly improve your attitude and motivation  in addressing others.

Simplify.  Un-Complicate your life.  For some people this means scheduling your life to create order.  For others it means trashing your schedule.  For me it means limiting my investment in things that are not important, stressful, or have a negative effect on me and my family.  I also like to find simple ways to accomplish things.  Things that are rich and vital to exhistence but are so easily overlooked in the life of chaos that we can find ourselves in. 

Generousity.  Give.  Give of yourself, your time, your resources.  Give yourself to your spouse.  Give to your children.  Be generous in your love for your family, your community.  That means something different for everyone.  Community may mean your church, your city, or your friends.  If you live with an attitude of generousity you find opportunities all around you to be generous.  It may be to help your child tie their shoe; a generous smile to a clerk in the grocery store that is having one of 'those' days; cookies for a neighbor who is in a bad mood.  You will be amazed at how your relationships will change if you simply give.  No amount of money can compare to the investment of an attentive friend.

Unpretentious.  I am not a good faker.  I want to be genuine even if that means that I have to be diplomatic and set some serious boundaries for myself.  I strive to be respectful of each person and their unique individualism.  But to fake it--that breaks the simplify rule by complicating things.  Don't misunderstand, I DO speak fluent sarcasim, I love to cut up and have fun.  I do think in order to have a genuine relationship you will have some bumps in the road.  However, to pretend that we can reach some kind of perfection is simply unrealistic.  I am imperfect, you are imperfect and we can agree to disagree sometimes--respectfully, of course.  You say tomato . . .

Your comments are welcome

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Forgiveness. 
I am determined to forgive.
It is the only cure for bitterness and resentment.

My parents loaned me an incredible book to read and it is changing me, gratefully.  I may rant about it more later but I am anxious to share an excerp from the "Replaceing Bitterness with Forgiveness" Chapter. . .

Contrary to poplular belief, forgiveness does not comprise any of the following:

• Denying the legitimate pain you have experienced
• Agreeing to act like best friends with the person who has done you wrong
• Not feeling legitimate anger
• Allowing others to continue to disrepect your needs and boundaries
• Condoning behavior that is clearly inappropriate
• Telling the wrongdoer that the past is irrelevant and that it is okay to pretend as if nothing ever happened
• Ignoring the ill effects of past wrongs that continue to influence current events

When you forgive, it does not mean that you stop being assertive; nor does it imply that you have "GONE SOFT" about the problems that have left deep wounds.  Forgiveness does mean that you are willing to let go of harmful or ineffective forms of anger and are choosing to turn over the ultimate resolution of wrongdoings to God. 

Some positive aspects of forgiveness include:

• It frees you to focus on the priorities that are more important than anger
• It prompts you to let go of obsessions about the one who has wronged you
• It compels you to stop making insulting and derogatory remarks about the one who has done wrong
• It causes you to be forward looking about your life's course
• It causes you to put acceptance and tolerance first
• It reminds you that you cannot control another person's choices

Forgiveness is not something anyone can earn; it is done for my sake not theirs.  By forgiving you acknowledge that wholeness cannot be found or restored.  The relationship has proven to be incomplete, and no effort you make will remove the pain.  Choosing to forgive implies that you recognize that broken feelings cannot be mended through normal channels of communication.  Loose ends will always be a part of that relationship, and the emotional debt that has been accumulated will never be repaid.

--Dr. Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me (How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life)

Just what is on my heart and how I am comforted on this a most difficult day of Anger and Fear within myself.  More later . . .
God Bless

Monday, July 26th, 2010

~~~The Pink Bustier~~~

True Story . . .

Once upon a time a family was getting ready to have a yard sale.  Momma sent Daddy out for some boxes so they could begin packing up some of their things for the upcoming event.  Daddy went to the dumpsters behind a few of the local retail businesses to collect some discarded boxes.  There Daddy found a box of discarded defective merchandise that he brought home for the family to dig through. 

Oh and the children did laugh and play with the things that were in the box, gleefully running the last few minutes down on depleating battery operated Christmas toys from years gone by.  But alas! (dork) In this box was another small box with twelve individually wrapped and sealed ornaments.  Brand new, not opened price tags still intact--What a find! 

Not, however, particualarly "G" rated.  But HILARIOUS nonetheless.  Inside this small box were twelve porcelin pink bustier (boo-stee-ay) christmas ornaments (email me if you want to know what is scripted on the bustier--I double dawg dare you posted the picture anyway I COULDN'T HELP IT!).  I can understand why the "retail store" may have seen these as controversial and inappropriate for their taste.  Well, now we have a box of eleven because--If it is controversial and misunderstood I HAVE TO HAVE ONE!

And so the story of the pink bustier became another running joke in the Clonts family.  Guess who's getting bustiers for christmas? The gift that keeps on giving!

Have a good FunDay MonDay!!!

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Let's talk health and nutrition.

First I will take you on a time warp. 15 years ago I landed a job as a pharmacy clerk and worked in that field for about 3 years. I gleaned ALOT from my experience. Sure I learned some great skills and gained mucho knowledge about how the world works but let's talk about what I learned from the nutrition aspect:

(scene: Enter middle aged woman with a gallon size ziplock bag full of small amber color prescription bottles)

"Mrs. D." approaches my pharmacy counter and places large clear bag on the counter. "I need to get some refills". I watch as she opens the bag and I watch her hands tremor as she removes the small bottles one by one and sets them on the counter. Appearently frustrated by her lack of focus and control of her own hands, she begins to tell a story I have never forgotten. "I went to the Doctor for . . . He prescribed this" (gently placing another bottle on the counter). "But the side effects caused ____, so he prescribed this" (another bottle). "The combination of the two caused me to ______, so I take this" (you guessed it-another bottle). This went on until every bottle had a horrifying explaination.

This was only the beginning of my observation of the giant pharmaceutical beast. I have some crazy stories, this was only the beginning of my eye opening experiences. Now is the time to enter a disclaimer, if you will. I am not opposed to doctors, pharmacies, blah, blah, blah. I have gained much knowledge from many of these kind of proffessionals in my life. From some, what to do; from others, what not to do. No bashing here, just sharing my personal opinions and experiences in my own journey.

From the beginning of these experiences at the pharmacy I determined that there had to be an alternative to this kind of lifestyle. Being on the fluffy side ALL of my life, I have had plenty of ups and downs on the health/weight scale. I began a quest and it continues to this day. I will use this forum for discussion, if you are reading this, yes, you. Please feel free to discuss, comment, email me--let's chat.

Ok, here is a brief list of things attempted (some of them may have been beneficial, some not so much):

~Supplements (you name it, there's an vitamin/herb for it)

~Pyramid/MLM Buy/Build/Bankrupt

~Exercise (from Walking Buddies to Classes & Memberships)

~Books, Videos, Cookbooks

~Flush; Detox; Cleanse

~Eat this, don't eat that

~Groups, Clubs, Bible Studies (yes, even Bible based fads)

Some of these worked great but I fell off the wagon; Some things were just a JOKE; Some were too expensive; . . . You get the point, one excuse is as good as the other. I love to watch/read articles on health tips, good nutrition, and what not. I am always looking for the magic potion to cure me. The truth is that I am my biggest enemy. My brain, my will, my laziness & procrastination. I acknowledge this, I live with it every day.

Just laying the foundation here. Tomorrow we will discuss what IS working for me RIGHT NOW and I am not selling anything I am just taking back CONTROL of me and using this blog to document my journey. I have tried some really outrageous things lately and it is affecting everything about the way I live my life. Topics that I would like to discuss (but not limited to):

~Getting rid of joy sucking worry

~Depression

~Relax, Breathe, Let it go

~Iridology and other Alternative thinking

~Food Allergies that make you retain weight

~Herbivores, Chia seeds, and Herbal Tea

~Educating yourself

I DO NOT have it all figured out, you are welcome to join me in this journey if you like. I would love some feedback.  Until tomorrow. . .

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

"Scandal" painting by Mike Boast

SCANDALOUS: breaking with propriety
Audacious bold, determined, beyond reasonable limits
Extravagant crazy, out-of-bounds, profuse

GRACE: a virtue of God
Preposterous underserved, outrageous, unexpected
Life-changing wild, liberating, unrestrained, satisfying

Another great book find from Gardners "Scandalous Grace", a journey of Scandalous Grace, Scandalous Living.  John 8 tells us of a woman caught in the act of adultrey, brought before Christ naked, fearful, shamed.  Yet, He didn't have any harsh words.  Rather he demonstrated grace to her in His gentle, compassionate way and gave her divine forgiveness.  This same kind of grace covers my petty, self-serving, self-absorbed ways. 

A good friend reminded me on Sunday that we can't live in the past and have a future.  It's time to leave the past in the past for only then can you move forward.  For me this is a daily process.  Every day is a lesson learned.  Learn from the mistakes made in the past.  Leave the drama behind and bring the wisdom you have learned with you into the future.  Day by Day, I get overwhelmed to think much farther than that!

Day by Day--Oh, Dear Lord, three things I pray. To see the more clearly; love thee more dearly; follow thee more nearly. Day by Day (love me some Godspell)

Throughout the life of Christ I see him as "going where many dared not go".  He was seriously misunderstood and yet He understood every situation.  Most importantly, He understands me.  Thank you for tolerating my rantings, I find it very therapuetic to vent.  Be encouraged--Let's put the FUN back in Disfunctional!!!