Freedom of Fear

I admit it, I have had a particular terrifying fear for about 16 years now.  I have let the fear of this particular rejection rule my life and my decisions in so many ways.  Now in most recent weeks, I have had to face that fear.  All the maneuvers to avoid and run from that fear have caught up with me regardless of whatever actions that I took. 

Avoiding fear, in my case, has created so much turmoil and entanglement.  I regret the fact that I have not dealt with it sooner.  It would not have been easy to deal with it EVER!  Ignoring it did not make anything productive of the situation.  The outcome was inevitable.  My attempt to take control and guide this fear to a healthy place only backfired in my face.  

Now the healing begins.  This has changed me.  It has changed my relationships.  I have become comfortably numb.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I have certain people put in my charge that need my full attention.  As long as I feel that people hold hostility and hate toward me I cannot move forward in that relationship.  I have boundaries that I didn't know I had.  Even in the distance of my heart the love is still there. 

I have been trying to salvage relationships that I have destroyed.  That's what you do, right?  The problem is, I have been trying to rebuild from the scrap and ashes of what that destruction left behind.  This time--NO! Time heals.  Love and healing make the hate and hostility fade.  I only desire love.  I desire to rebuild fresh and new.  I don't know what that looks like because I am not there yet.  I am free, but I'm just learning how to fly.