Monday, August 30, 2010

In My Arms

I sat in church last night with my baby asleep in my arms.  I had walked out of the house with only colorbooks and not crayons for our visit to the evening service at church.  Zach was happily drawing with pens and pencils, but this was just too much to ask Bennette.  She was a bit tired and not very tolerant of my forgetfulness.  So she climbed on my lap and put her head on my shoulder and nodded off into the land of sleep.  This is not as easy as it used to be.  She is a very healthy 5 now, but she is still the baby.


She lay there asleep in my arms and as our Pastor spoke, I began to weep.  I couldn't control the flashbacks that I felt.  They were just too overwhelming.  Thinking of my two youngest in my arms is sentimental, they are young enough that they still almost fit.  I love the way that I hold them and they hold me back until that moment when they fall asleep and then it's all on you, just you and the very large limp noodle of a child in your arms. 


Flashback to a time when my two oldest children were actually small enough to sit on my lap.  Kallie would climb up and "waller" you until she got comfortable.  At three, she was the size of a six year old but still just a baby and needed her cuddles and snuggles.  I am bawling like a baby just to think of her now, almost 6 foot tall, independent and beautiful, she still needs her momma moments but it should be me crawling into her lap now.

I can remember MiKayla's apprehension to bond with us in that way in the beginning.  You could better connect with her in through play.  Any ball would work, but games were good too.  I can remember inviting her into my arms and eventually receiving a hug back.  The first time I remember her literally jumping into my arms is when I met Darren at the E.R. because MiKay had busted her head open at a school function.  I carried her into the hospital, Darren kept saying "Let me carry her", I refused because this was the first time I remember her clutching on to me for comfort.  After that day it became easier and easier for us to bond in that way.

As I shared my flashback moments with Darren on the way home, we talked about how we look at our children.  They want us to see them for the "big kids" that they are, and we do.  But we also see that little child, that every experience makes us fall in love with them more and more.  When I look into my children's eyes they are the same eyes that used to look up to me to care for them and provide for them.  Darren says it's like that commercial where the Dad is giving instructions to his daughter as she gets behind the wheel of the car to drive off.  He is instructing a teenager, but he sees her as his precious little five year old.

How blessed we are to experience our children and some day our grandchildren.  Thank you for the overwhelming support we have always received from our family and friends to help us raise our children.  Some of you are there for my children when they choose not to let me be, and for that I am grateful that they have formed those relationships with you. 

We face this week with great expectations.  From this momma's heart to yours, have a great day!  Remember to stop and appreciate the things around you.

 

Friday, August 27th, 2010

Reading.  I love to read.  I rarely pick up a novel because once I start something like that I can hardly put it down and I do not need any more excuses to procrastinate.  I like magazines and the kinds of books that you can be satisfied with reading a section and then be able to pick it up again later with out missing a beat. 

Blogging.  I love to blogging for many reasons.  It gives me a chance to vent (though my rantings probably don't make sense to many); I can post things to keep my friends and family up to date on what is going on with us; AND I love my reading list.  The reading list enables me to "follow" blogs that I am interested in and I can just log in to my blogspot account and ta-da, my reading list is right there.  The most current blog postings pop up right there and I can skim through and read just as if I were picking up a magazine. 

This allows me to have a moment to myself.  Sometimes I need a refreshing idea for schooling or dinner.  Sometimes I just need to find a little inspiration.  Blogging has become a good outlet for me and I can have reading material right at my fingertips that fits me for the moment that I need.

As always, please feel free to leave a comment or a note.  It's not a commitment and I don't think you're being nosy either :)

Grace and Peace To You,
Tina

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

An interesting discussion with my 13 year old daughter this morning.  How does Mom recognize that I am stressed before daughter recognizes her own stress?  Oh, Boy It was a whopper of a conversation and I was sobbing like a baby by the end of it.  It falls back to those comments your children make like "How did Mom know?" "Mom must have eyes in the back of her head" and so on.  The following was part of my explaination:

Parents begin studying their children the moment that the meet them, or before.  In our case, we have two adopted daughters who we received a  case file on before we met them.  Also, we have two birth children who's sonograms we studied and experimented with what voices and music they responded to while they were still in the womb.

A child is a mother's passion. I have always studied my children whether it was to memorize their fingers and toes or to watch them interact with their peers to see them developing into little people.  I know when that pile of laundry comes out of your room what you wore all day and what goes back into your closet because you tried it on and then threw it in the floor.  All Mom's know EXACTLY what I am coming from.  We know our kids and I keep telling my daughters that they will not fully understand until they have children of their own. 

I love my husband, he is my partner, we are a team.  But your love for your children is different and you have to let go little by little and let them explore life and make their own mistakes and stand beside them when the consequences come and not fix it for them any more.  Mom's memorize their children, we have been there and done that and would love to tell you how to keep yourself from making the same mistakes we did.  Sometimes only life experience will teach those lessons.

Pain also comes with great love and passion.  If you choose not to have children because you are afraid of the pain in childbirth, you are missing out.  When we love our children but there are times in our life that our love for them may bring us great pain.  The pain that we feel is temporary and the great joy that we experience overshadows any pain that we might have felt.  It is painful for a child to choose their friends over you when you know that you are a better sword fighter or barbie designer than that five year old friend could ever be! (insert belly laugh here) 

Once seperate from that umbilical cord the seperation continues little by little.  But that is all part of the growing process.  It doesn't mean that you stop loving or adoring your children, it only means that your relationship changes.  And it changes all too quickly for us momma's and not soon enough for our children. 

I am the most imperfect parent that I know.  I will never forget the first time my children smiled at me or called me momma.  How I wish I could return to a more simple time when I could just kiss their hurt and it would disappear.  But if I did that I would not grow to eventually experience the joy of seeing them with their children for the first time and enjoying the way that they memorize their children's toes. 

My children-MiKayla, Kallie, Zachary and Bennette-how I adore you and hope that you know how much I love you all.

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Forgiveness. 
I am determined to forgive.
It is the only cure for bitterness and resentment.

My parents loaned me an incredible book to read and it is changing me, gratefully.  I may rant about it more later but I am anxious to share an excerp from the "Replaceing Bitterness with Forgiveness" Chapter. . .

Contrary to poplular belief, forgiveness does not comprise any of the following:

• Denying the legitimate pain you have experienced
• Agreeing to act like best friends with the person who has done you wrong
• Not feeling legitimate anger
• Allowing others to continue to disrepect your needs and boundaries
• Condoning behavior that is clearly inappropriate
• Telling the wrongdoer that the past is irrelevant and that it is okay to pretend as if nothing ever happened
• Ignoring the ill effects of past wrongs that continue to influence current events

When you forgive, it does not mean that you stop being assertive; nor does it imply that you have "GONE SOFT" about the problems that have left deep wounds.  Forgiveness does mean that you are willing to let go of harmful or ineffective forms of anger and are choosing to turn over the ultimate resolution of wrongdoings to God. 

Some positive aspects of forgiveness include:

• It frees you to focus on the priorities that are more important than anger
• It prompts you to let go of obsessions about the one who has wronged you
• It compels you to stop making insulting and derogatory remarks about the one who has done wrong
• It causes you to be forward looking about your life's course
• It causes you to put acceptance and tolerance first
• It reminds you that you cannot control another person's choices

Forgiveness is not something anyone can earn; it is done for my sake not theirs.  By forgiving you acknowledge that wholeness cannot be found or restored.  The relationship has proven to be incomplete, and no effort you make will remove the pain.  Choosing to forgive implies that you recognize that broken feelings cannot be mended through normal channels of communication.  Loose ends will always be a part of that relationship, and the emotional debt that has been accumulated will never be repaid.

--Dr. Les Carter, Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me (How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life)

Just what is on my heart and how I am comforted on this a most difficult day of Anger and Fear within myself.  More later . . .
God Bless

Monday, August 23, 2010

Once again, it is tryout night for the current community theater production.  This time both Kallie and Zach will be trying out for Jungle Book.  As usual, the drama runs high in the household during the hours leading up to tonights tryouts.

Zachary was up at the crack of dawn putting his laundry away.  He instructed me that he was going to take care of "this" and then start on his school assignments for the day because he wanted the day to "hurry up".  He can hardly sit in his seat with out coming to tell me something else that has to do with play tryouts.  Boy, I hope they are letting 2nd graders try out this time. 

Kallie takes a different approach.  She is up and excited.  She talks non stop, dramatically--no less.  EVERYTHING is overly done.  Kind of like the overacting done in the old black and white films.  It is hilarious to watch, stirring the macaroni and cheese has taken on a new form.  I have never seen such dramatic re-inactments as I have today.  She is so expressive and I will NEVER get the song out of my head that she has been practicing.

I love this day!  It is a little annoying (hence the ten minutes that I have locked myself in the office to blog/vent and left them in charge of each other) BUT wonderful and memorable.  Even when things seem to get crazy, I need just a few minutes to stop and remind myself how blessed we are.  These days are very exciting and these memories will build their bond with each other.  

So cheerio! folks as I continue my afternoon in support of the arts and the imaginations and dramatizations of my wonderful babies . . .     

Apathy

I guess I just need a good cry.  I just need to tell you how glad I am that you removed the drama out of my life and that I don't want it back.  But my heart cries out for you.  I hope that you never experience yourself how much it hurts to loose something so precious.   

You were made to choose.  And you chose poorly.  Unfortunantly, there is much apathy in my heart.  But for you, I feel sorry for you.  You will never know what you have missed out on by choosing to seperate yourself. 

The drama follows you everywhere you go.  Maybe one day you will wise up and figure out what is actually causing it.  Anyone who honestly knows what has been going on grieves for you.  Misses you.  Loves you.  You have conveneintly removed yourself from dealing with any consequences, do you think that makes them go away?

Friday, August 20th, 2010

So . . . What is it that you do?

I cringe when people ask me this question.  When 'catching up' with old friends, meeting someone new, or even a question from a stranger about my website logo.  I have no idea how to sum up everything that I do.  I usually just pick one and roll with it, if they are really interested in getting to know me they will find out the full scoop. 

Once during a catch up with you session at a funeral, an old classmate handed me his business card.  He holds an impressive title as Presidental Security IT--ok, big muck, muck--- at a renown Bank in the Big City (Not knocking it--He is brilliant).   When it was my turn, I stated that I worked from home and that I contracted with various clients.  I kid you not, he said "So you're a hooker"?  It was hilarious!  I really have to rethink that response for next time. 

I wear many hats.  Generally, I am wife and mom.  I do W-O-R-K from home as well.  My "Clients" include a few small businesses that contract certain administrative/bookeeping work to me part time/on call.  It is flexible for me and cost effective for them.  I can work from home mostly from my laptop and phone.  I like that it keeps me connected to the former administrative world that I once knew and helps to pay the bills.


Did I mention that we homeschool?  Darren works the second shift, so his help is priceless.  I don't know how to catagorize us, Relaxed Homeschoolers may fit pretty well.  I would like to adapt more unschooling principles but still hold on to some traditional homeschooling as well.  I want my children to relax and have fun learning.  There are so many opportunities for learning and discovery and those are not limited to the textbook. 

Now my passion is handcrafted jewelry and I do not have the time to work that part of the business like I would want to. I am hoping to find some time to get back into that in the near future and get my online store bulked back up. I have this friend, who keeps introducing me to all of these other easy crafty ideas. And then there is the Etsy influence that I always think "I can do that! No one does that around here." I want to have time to do some of those things and I keep telling myself that if I will just get organized then I will have more time . . . .

Thursday, August 5th, 2009

Summer Fun


We are priveledged to have a great maintenance team that will act fast when our air conditioning decides to freeze on a hot August day.  The day was tolerable thanks to the unusual cloud cover and now that sunset is approaching we find ourselves gently cooling down. 

It will not be long before we are buried in snow and wishing for the days spent splashing in the water in the hot sun. I have posted a couple of pictures of the cousins in the sun.  Happy Memories. 

All around me I hear of chaos and stressful situations.  I pray a prayer of peace for each one.  The most positive control we can have in any situation is 'self control'.  Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts.  Let us not lift our souls to another.  Just my thought for the day.

We are watching God open doors and close doors as we pray for patience to see His will and lead us on the path He has set before us.  We wait in positive anticipation.  Some dude facebooked a bunch of us today to say "BE EXPECTING!"  I'm there man!!!

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

Heerree's Bruc-ey!!!

My all time favorite shark--Bruce from Finding Nemo.  Anybody who is Anybody knows that this is Shark Week.  At our house, the ecclectic homeschoolers wishing we were radical unschoolers are celebrating Shark Week.  Fun facts, books, research and of course the Discovery Channel is in store for all of us.  However, when the little ones go to bed . . . it's time to introduce Kallie to . . . duh da, duh da, duh da, duda. duda duda . . . okay either you get it or you don't.  I think she's ready ;0)

I have had to explain many interesting and new things while watching Discovery Channel during prime time.  The kids understand that they are reacting true events of real people.  You should have seen Zach's face when the "Pirana 3D" movie commercial came on.  He did not filter that we were watching a commercial and he freaked.  Hilarious!!!!

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We did survive the yard sale this weekend.  It was hot, but there were a lot of people out and about.  I must brag about how well our friends took care of us.  Not only did they participate to make it a BIG yard sale but they made it fun and easy.  They were taking money before I could even drag myself out of bed the first day.  I heard it suggested that we post a sign that said "Early Birds will be Shot!", but once 6:30 a.m. rolled around people were practically throwing there money at us to get to the good stuff first.  And then there was Saturday morning and the big breakfast that they cooked up for us--yummy.  We had so much help that things went super smooth.  Thank you, Thank you!!! 

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So what is your favorite "Bruce" qoute or moment?  Or maybe you have another shark favorite to share. . .